Amen

                                    AMEN

                                By Adrian Pass

 When I became a Christian I said, Lord, now fill me in,
Tell me what I’ll suffer in this world of shame and sin.
He said, your body may be killed, and left to rot and stink,
Do you still want to follow me? I said Amen - I think.
I think Amen, Amen I think, I think I say Amen,
Look, I’m not completely sure, can you just run through that again? 

You say my body could be killed and left to rot and stink,
Oh, yeah, that sounds terrific, Lord, I say Amen - I think. 

But, Lord, look, there must be other ways to follow you, I said,
I really would prefer to end up dying in my bed.
Well, yes, he said, you could just put up with sneers and scorn and spit,
Do you still want to follow me? I said Amen - a bit.
A bit Amen, Amen a bit, a bit I say Amen,
Look, I’m still not entirely sure, could we just run through that again?
You said I could put up with sneers and scorn and spit,
Well, yes, I’ve made my mind up, and I say, Amen - a bit. 

Well I sat back and thought a while, then I tried a different ploy,
Now, Lord, I said, the Good book says that Christians live in joy.
That’s true he said, you’re going to need the joy to bear the pain and sorrow,
So do you want to follow me, I said, Amen - tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Lord, I’ll say it then, that’s when I’ll say Amen,
You see, I’ve got to get it clear, let’s just run through that again?
You say that I will need the joy, to bear the pain and sorrow,
Well, yes, I think I’ve got it straight, I’ll say Amen - tomorrow. 

He said, Look, I’m not asking you to spend an hour with me
A quick salvation sandwich and a cup of sanctity,
The cost is you, not half of you, but every single bit,
Now tell me, will you follow me? And I said Amen – No, I quit. 

I’m awfully sorry Lord I said, I’d like to follow you,
But I don’t think religion is a manly thing to do.
He said forget religion then, and you think about my Son,
And you tell me if you’re man enough to do what he has done. 

Are you man enough to see the need, are you man enough to go,
Are you man enough to care for those that no one wants to know,
Are you man enough to say the thing that people hate to hear,
And battle through Gethsemane in loneliness and fear.
And listen! Are you man enough to stand it at the end,
The moment of betrayal by the kisses of your friend,
Are you man enough to hold your tongue, are you man enough to cry?
And when nails break your body - are you man enough to die?
Man enough to take the pain, and wear it like a crown,
Man enough to love the world and turn it upside down,
Are you man enough to follow me, I ask you once again?
I said, Oh Lord, I’m frightened, but I also said Amen.
Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen,
I said, Oh Lord, I’m frightened, but I also said, Amen.

A Reason for Snot

One of the things we've worked on with Abby is not being snotty.  Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall in the process wondering when she'll 'get it.' 

Yesterday after gymnastics class Abby shared a revelation she'd had:

Abby:  "Mom, y'know that snotty girl in my gymnastics class?"
Me:  "Yeah."
Abby:  "Well, I think God put her in my class for a reason."
(Right about now, I'm thinking maybe she's thinking about another lesson we're working on...loving people where they're at.)
Me:  "Oh yeah...and what do you think that reason might be?"
Abby:  "To show me that that's how I can be sometimes...and I don't wanna be that way!"  [You're right, Mom]  People don't want to be around you when you're that way."

Haaaaa-le-lu-ia!!!! And the heavens part.  The light bulb went on.  Thank You, Lord for snotty girls. 

Remembering Kaylee Hope

Today we celebrated the life of Kaylee Hope White at her memorial service.  (See my previous post.)  She passed away at just 22 weeks gestation, yet her life was meaningful, treasured, and a cause for celebration and thanksgiving.  This is the video that her daddy, Joey, made and was played at her service.  Bittersweet and beautiful.  You will not be forgotten, Miss Beautiful.   The other babies in the video are her older twin siblings, Carson & Keira, who are 1 year old.

For God So Loved the World...

I saw this billboard as I was passing through Menomonie after attending a birth today.  The magnificent reality struck me...I had just witnessed the miracle of a baby being born, and was reminded of the significance of the Baby that God sent...one Who would grow up and become the Savior of the world.  This little baby Jesus became my Savior...and I am forever grateful.

Merry Christmas

Before the Morning By Josh Wilson

Went for a walk yesterday morning and heard this song on the radio.  I'd never listened to the words before, until yesterday.  It spoke to me.  I'm not sure if there's a "real" official music video to it that I couldn't locate, but I'll post what I found.  Also, here's a link to the story behind the song.  I'm including the lyrics as well. 

Before the Morning

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you’re going

You just don’t know how you’ll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

A Tribute to My Mom on Mother's Day

The following is what I posted on my mom's CaringBridge site yesterday.

A Tribute to My Mom...

I just got to spend a lovely afternoon with my mom for Mother's Day.  I felt thankful that I could be with her today.  Thankful that she felt up to coming to Hudson to visit, thankful our family could be together, thankful to enjoy good food, sunshine, and the nicer weather after a few days of cold and rain.

I also wanted to write a little (actually, it's going to be long) tribute to my mom--some of the memories I have as well as some things I am grateful for about her...

Mom, I remember and am thankful for:

• The way you have always loved us unconditionally.  Even when we made choices you didn't agree with, you still supported us and always let us know you were proud of us.
• The many sacrifices you've made over the years for our ultimate good.  Now being a mother myself, I know that many of those sacrifices probably seemed to go unnoticed at the time...but I want you to know they mattered.
• In all my years of various school concerts and performances and such, you always rearranged your schedule to be at every one.  Every one.  I think I took that for granted back then, but I want you to know that it really means something to me that you did that.  You really invested hugely in your children.
• The good listener that you are.  Being an empathetic and encouraging listener is something I value highly, and I have seen it modeled in you.  
• Childhood memories of you reading Dr. Seuss books to me, and playing games together such as Memory, Candyland, Go Fish, Yahtzee, and Boggle.  (You always let me use two letter words and get a head start handicap for scoring when I was younger.  *smile* )  Those same Dr. Seuss books now grace my children's book shelf, and they enjoy having me read to them often.  Honestly, every time time I read one, I think of you and it takes me right back to being a kid.  I also play the same games with my children.  They've heard me fondly say many times  "I used to play this with my mom when I was little." 
• Warm chocolate pudding with whipped cream on top.
• Special new dresses every Christmas and Easter.
• The birthday poems you'd write for us recapping each year--complete with picture sketches, too!
• You tucking me into bed every night.  I remember one night when I was three years old you taught me the Lord's Prayer at bedtime.  I also remember you explaining how God wants us to love Him more than anything else in this world.  As a child I thought that sounded crazy at the time...but you were right.  Thank you for teaching me that truth...for planting the seeds of faith in my young heart and mind.
• Trips to Target on the weekends with the Clark gals.  Living in Waconia, the nearest Target back then was all the way in Eden Prairie!  (And remember, there were virtually no stop lights the whole way there!)  Still to this day, whenever I'm in Target with my kids, I remember how we used to shop until we dropped--and then we'd ask to get a $.39 popcorn in the snack bar.
• How you & Dad took us swimming every day when we were little--sometimes multiple times!  I loved the evening swims at dusk right before bed.  The water would feel warmer than the air and Bria and I would beg to stay in just a few minutes longer.  When swimming made us hungry, I remember having 'Chicken in a Biscuit' crackers, and when we had a garden we'd often get to go straight to it to pick strawberries and pea pods for a snack.  :)

• Family camping trips.  Though we didn't take big trips to exotic places, we had plenty of fun camping at various Midwest parks, and even took some special trips to visit relatives in Washington, South Dakota, North Dakota, and Idaho.  Thanks for taking us, and for all the fun memories.
• When I was 13, you announced to me one day that I would be allowed to wear makeup!  You and Marty Cramer had a Mary Kay consultant come and do facials and teach Christine and I how to properly adorn ourselves.  :)  What fun!
• The patience you've always shown as a mother.  In my own life, I sometimes find I compare myself to you and confess to Wade that "I don't know how she did it...she very rarely seemed to lose her cool."  And I can remember calling you once crying, wanting counsel on how to parent a very young Abby (who is now 9).  You shared with me mistakes you felt you'd made and what you'd learned along the way.  I so appreciated your transparency Mom.
• The wonderful Grandma you are to my kids.  Honestly, I cannot imagine a more attentive grandparent than you.  You listen to each of them with genuine interest in anything that matters to them.  You plan for months ahead of time in order to make their birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays special.  And now, just like you did for Bria and me when we were kids, you come to every show, concert, play or performance that you possibly can and truly seem to enjoy every minute.  We love having you fairly nearby and so appreciate having you so involved in our lives.
• That your heart trusts God.  You walk with Him, knowing that He is taking care of you, and that He is truth.  You have a peace about you because of your faith in Him that enables you to walk in thankfulness each day without living in fear of all the future unknowns.  Thank you for your example.

I love you, Mom.  You mean the world to me.  Thank you for all you have given, done, and been for us over all these years. 

Happy Mother's Day
Love,
Kara Jo

Real Life

My favorite blog posts to read on others' blogs are usually ones where they share from their heart.  I love humor, too, but I gravitate toward simple honesty, transparency, & vulnerability.  That said, I myself have not blogged much over the past few months.  Partly because something went awry with our USB cable and I couldn't upload any pics for the longest time, partly because Facebook has taken over the nation (I've joined in, too), and partly because I haven't had much of substance to say--or much I felt I could or should share. 

I sometimes feel like I just want to blog...but I don't have anything interesting to write about.  Tonight I decided I would try to just write from my heart and sort of journal about where my life is right now.  I don't exactly where this will go...

Last school year (the first half anyway) was one of the most balanced and enjoyable years I've ever had.  I was pregnant with Courtney, and really felt in a good rhythm with the other 3 kids.  I actually went so far as to say I was feeling like it was easy to parent  three!  (I might have had amnesia, though.)  It was a good mix to have 2 in school and be at home with Nathan.   My then neighbor, Kate, and I would have impromptu playdates in the cul-de-sac as her little boy is the same age as Nathan.  I also had my long time kindred-spirit-stay-at-home-mom friend "J" (& her two youngest) around to do life with, too.  We'd do our grocery shopping together on Tuesdays (my most dreaded weekly task) and then have lunch together at one of our houses.  On Thursdays we'd take turns volunteering in our older kids' classrooms at school while the other of us watched the younger ones.  I liked being able to be involved in Abby & Emily's classrooms.  I also liked being able to serve outside my home, at church for LATTE worship and at Woodwinds Hospital as a volunteer doula.  Wade was also working days (had been ever since we moved back from Indiana 3 years ago) so we had evenings together after the kids went to bed--most of the time anyway.  Life felt very balanced...

Oddly, though, despite how great & balanced my life seemed, the last post I did before Courtney was born was about fear.  I was quite candid about my walk with God, and about how I was wrestling with my view of Him.  Was struggling to see Him as the Father Who loved to give good gifts and instead was used to viewing Him as Someone who's always (lovingly) dragging me through yuck to grow me and shape my character--all for His glory of  course.  ;)  (No, seriously, I do believe that it's all to be for His glory...sometimes it can just sound cliche.)  I shared in that February 2009 post that I was afraid of the other shoe dropping, wondering as I was sitting at the Tasha Schuh conference what terrible thing God might be preparing me for next...and yet knowing God doesn't want me to live in fear.

Little did I know at the time, but my fears were correct.  There was trouble brewing.  My Mom was battling a return of her cancer (Lymphoma) that was going to be repeatedly misdiagnosed until it progressed to stage 4 and was finally discovered this past August.  She has yet to be able to hold now 14 month old baby Courtney without pain in her back from the tumors. 
.
My favorite neighbor Kate & her family announced shortly after Courtney was born that they were going to  be moving.  :(  I cried.

Also, when Courtney was about 2 weeks old I found out that some of our best friends would be leaving our church due to a staffing decision (they had been on staff) that I still don't agree with.  For a long time I thought I shouldn't/couldn't talk about that on my blog.  Didn't want to stir up strife or cause division.  But some time has passed, and I want to be honest in saying that it affected me.  Deeply.   It was just poopy all around.  I hurt to see my friends feeling rejected & hurting, and I hurt for me.  It's been quite a loss not to be able to share church life with these friends any more.  Community doesn't feel quite as sweet with their family gone.  Does God work all things for good for those who love Him?  Absolutely.  I know He has and is in this situation as well.  I'm just saying it hurts and that my heart grieves.

Along with our dear friends leaving the church also meant job changes for their family and the need for my dear friend "J" to go from being a stay-at-home-mom to now working full time to support her family.  I lost my weekly pal, the proximity of the friend I most often did life with regularly.  I still get to see her sometimes on Tuesdays (her day off) along with another friend who also has that day off, but it's not the same as having another mom who's home every day--in the trenches beside you, understanding and right there with you.  I do my grocery shopping alone now, and am not able to volunteer in the girls' classrooms regularly this year.

Most recently, Wade started a new job with Delta.  See my post from Feb 28.  He's now working nights and probably will be for the next however many years, unless God does something unexpected (I'm praying).  That means I put the kids to bed by myself most nights, and that Wade and I get very few evenings together.  He's also having to work overtime at his parents' farm--average of one day a week--to make up the difference in pay after the cut he took with this job transition.

I also completed my full certification as a Birth Doula, and have been taking private paid clients in addition to volunteering at Woodwinds once a month.  I really love it, but we're still figuring out how to balance and juggle everything.  Things tend to fall apart a bit whenever Mom is gone!  :)

I have made it sound like everything is bad, sad, or difficult in my life right now.  It isn't.  I have much to be thankful for, and I am still finding joy in life, in Christ.  I love being a SAHM.  I love being a doula.  I love Hudson and my dear FCC community.  I'm thankful for many friends whom I get to see periodically and share life with sometimes.  And I treasure time with my mom, who seems to be on the road to recovery from her battle with cancer.

But, if you've wondered why I haven't blogged much in the last however many months, maybe now you've got a better understanding as to what's been going on in my life.  :)  Oh, and we got a new camera and I'm able to upload pictures again!

Above photo was from a wedding we attended last weekend. One of Wade's long time friends (who was also one of the groomsmen in our wedding nearly 14 years ago) finally tied the knot.  Congratulations Gary and Kim!

Joy and Pain

It's strange how you can have joy, and yet your heart can be heavy at the same time...but that's how I feel. My heart hurts for my sweet mom who has been dealing with daily pain, and often nausea from the cancer her body is fighting. I just want her to feel better and be able to enjoy life with us again. And yet, as we wait and pray and long for healing, I am also overcome with a joy and peace that only come from God. I am so convinced that He is good, despite how circumstances look. And I know in the depths of my being that He can be trusted with whatever He is up to.

Yesterday my sister, Bria, and I set up a CaringBridge website for my mom. If you are praying for her, I know she'd be encouraged if you stopped by the site to tell her so.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/judiknutson

Pray For My Sweet Mom!

This past week my sweet mom, Judi, was told that the cancer she'd beat over 10 years ago had returned. The week prior, we had spent our annual week up at a cabin in Bemidji with my family. My mom had been in such terrible pain that she couldn't do anything all week except try to sleep. She had a terrible muscle pain/bulge in her back that she'd been dealing with for a month or two. She'd been to her family doctor, a physical therapist, and a chiropractor. It didn't occur to any of them to check for a recurrence of the cancer.

We had to wait 3 excruciating days for her to meet with the oncologist, go over the CAT-scan and to know if they suspected the same type of cancer, as well as how advanced it might be. We got good news! The oncologist said he's 95% sure it's the same type of cancer as before--a Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, one they call a "good kind." He said once again that it's very treatable. He started her on Prednisone right away on Friday to begin reducing the size of the tumor pressing on her back muscle and thus ease the pain. (She also has it in several other places). The oncologist didn't feel a biopsy was necessary, and is just starting her on chemo right away on Monday. She'll have it M-F this next week and then rests for 3 weeks. Repeat. This cycle should continue for 6 months, and hopefully no more after that.

Please pray for healing for my mom. For the tumors to shrink to nothing. Also pray for her spirits to be encouraged as she fights this disease. Above all, pray that God would be honored and glorified. Pray that we would trust Him as His ways are not like ours. He sees the big picture and we have such limited vision.

It is normal to feel scared (as, to be honest, I have been and still am) when someone you love faces cancer. But I want to trust in my God--my God Who is big, my God Who is good in all He does, even when what He does is not what or how I would choose.

Our family at White Pines Resort in Bemidji, MN, one week ago.

You Are Good

"...When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul,
You are good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good
So with every breath I take in, I'll tell You I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell, even then IT IS WEll
And You are good..."



This song has been ministering to me lately. Thanks Ed for helping me upload a video on my blog for the first time. And Heather, thanks for sending me this song.

Comparison

So there is this blog I read...it's on my list actually. It's called Resolved 2 Worship. Beautiful title. I don't know why I read it, though. It often tempts me to compare and inevitably decide I don't measure up. I don't personally know the gal who writes it, but she seems amazing. She's younger than me, has 6 children with another on the way--and she homeschools. She's beautiful, runs marathons, and has her own photography business. Most of her blog posts could double as devotionals. She also has a degree in interior design and she and her family recently moved into a former beauty salon turned home--which she single-handedly (sp) redecorated on a budget of about $10. I'm exaggerating but not by much. She often posts these beautiful pictures of her beautiful children frolicking in the beautiful river. She shares what God is teaching her and it's always these deep amazing insights complete with Scripture alongside. Oh--and did I mention she sings and writes music, too? And that she never seems to have a bad hair day or children that fight or struggles in her marriage, or a baby that covers every outfit she owns in urp? (Oh, I forgot--she also makes her girls' clothes--and they always look amazingly cute and trendy.)

I tell myself that the image I paint in my mind of her life cannot be entirely accurate. She can't be perfect. She must have days where she feels the weight of her humanness...or maybe just gets a zit. Well, even if she doesn't, the truth is that I do. Though I love my life, I have plenty of days where I feel like I fall short, days where I not only feel frumpy & dumpy and out of style, but days where I see all my glaring faults and wonder how in the world my kids are going to turn out okay with a mom like me.

The truth though is that I am doing my best, and I am choosing to cling to Jesus and rest in Him. He doesn't judge me like I judge myself. The truth is that God holds my children in His hands. The truth is that although I can't sew a button on to save my life, I have been given gifts and I love using them to serve my God. And the truth is that in God's eyes I am beautiful every day. And as for my character, I am a work in progress and that is how it's supposed to be. He Who began a good work in me will be faithful to carry it to completion. (from Phil. 1:5-7).

Yes, it's not good to compare.

Weekends

Weekends are tough. Wade's work schedule is such now that he has to work Saturdays and Sundays, AND doesn't get home until after 6:15 or so. I dread weekends. I pray my way through them. Yesterday I was Demon Mama, though. Screamed at my kids and then had to ask for forgiveness. We had a lesson in "in your anger, do not sin," with me as the example of what NOT to do.

We usually try to go to church Saturday nights, with Wade now having to meet us there late when he gets off of work. Last night we didn't make it at all. So this morning, 4 kids or not, I decided I needed to be at church. So we went. Glad we did. So thankful for a church where truth is spoken, and communicated in such a way that God's Word seems fresh and new each time you hear it. It's not about being entertained, or just feeling good in the midst of my favorite music though--in fact, often the styles or songs may not even be my favorite. But it's about bringing my mind and heart before God, offering Him a sacrifice of praise and waiting expectantly for Him to meet me where I'm at. So that's what I did. And He met me.

Fear

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

Preface: I'm wrestling out loud a bit with my view of God. Bear with me while I process. When one shares thoughts like this on a heart level, we always run the risk of being misunderstood or judged. But at the same time, I want to be real. And maybe I'm not the only one who has struggled with having a right view of God...

This past weekend I went to a womens' conference at my church. The speaker was a wonderful, joy-filled, 28 year old gal named Tasha Schuh. As a high school student in Ellsworth, WI, she'd been paralyzed when she fell through a trap door during rehearsal for a musical she was in. Her testimony was wonderful, powerful, and God-honoring. I could hear the sniffles around me as everyone was being uplifted, encouraged and challenged. During breaks I nodded in agreement as all the other women I spoke with were sharing how impacted they were by her story. And yet all I could think was "this is terrifying me." Tasha's story is exactly the kind of thing one needs to hear when going through a really difficult time--it was all about God using bad things for good in our lives, and for His glory. But at this time in my life, it simply made me afraid...and yet I know God doesn't want us to live in fear...

If I may share a bit...I became a believer at age 14, so I've been walking with God for a good 20 years now. And I can honestly say that there have been very few times in those 2 decades where I haven't been dealing with some sort of struggle, obstacle or trial. Maybe that's true for most of us? (To be precise, there have been only two times that I can recall...once was a beautiful time of bliss during the year my firstborn Abby was a baby...and the other has been this current school year. Both have been times where I've really thoroughly enjoyed my life and it's felt balanced, with little or no complaints.) Now, I'm not saying I haven't had joy--or peace--God's been faithful to help me choose and experience both in the midst of trials. I'm just saying I wouldn't describe my life as easy overall.

I can remember once in high school, my dear friend & fellow Christian, Abby, (part of the inspiration to name my daughter Abby) had commented to me that everything was going well in her life at the time--no complaints--life was just running smoothly for her and she was content. I remember being struck by the thought that I had never experienced that--never a time where I could say everything was going well. As a Christian, I knew it was expected to face trials ("In this life, you will have trouble..." John 16:33) but it never dawned on me that God might bring calm peaceful seasons of enjoyment as well.

All this to say, I realized at the Tasha Schuh conference that I am much more accustomed to being in a season of trials than I am of the opposite. Over the years I have become very familiar with perseverance, needing to trust, learning to praise Him in spite of--and even for--the difficult things I've experienced. Some of these difficulties have meant hanging in there over the long haul--years even, when I could see no way out and not much hope of things improving. Through all of this, I am fully convinced of Romans 8:28, that God works all things for good for those who love Him. (In essence, Tasha's message.) I also realized that it's almost become comfortable for me to live in the midst of trials and yet still trust and praise and seek Him--knowing He is faithful.

But what is not so comfortable for me are these rare seasons of truly enjoying balance and good things in my life. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for God to somehow yank it all away. So when Tasha was speaking, I wondered what horrible thing God might be trying to prepare me for next. And yet I know this kind of thinking is not what He'd want for me. Fear is something the enemy would love to use to take me down and distract me from what is actually true about God.

So I'm realizing that I have a lot to learn in order to see God as He really is--a loving Heavenly Father Who loves to give His children good gifts. "Who of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" (Matthew 7:9) Honestly, I even wrestle with that verse--because I know many people who have asked God for something good--healing for example--and do not receive it. In fact, this same friend Abby that I've mentioned has gone through some excruciating times in her life--especially this past year. A very Jobesque time of losing a child as well as extreme health issues that never seem to get better. I know, I know--healing is not the ultimate good--God's presence is. Heaven is. Life on earth is not the ultimate fulfillment. I'm just saying...

So I've been praying--even over these months where I've really enjoyed my life--for God to help me not to be afraid. To enjoy the many blessings He's given without living in tentative fear of the next bad thing.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" John Piper

"Why?"

One night when I was tucking Nathan in at bedtime, our conversation went like this:

Nathan: "Mommy, I scared."
Me: "You don't have to be scared, Honey. Jesus is with you."
Nathan: "Mama, why He protect me?"
Me: "Because He loves you."
Nathan: "Why He love me?"
Me: "Because He made you."
Nathan: "Why He made me?"
Me: "Because He wants you to love Him."
Nathan: "Why He maked Abby?"
Me: "Because He wants her to love Him."
Nathan: "Why He maked Daddy?"
Me: "Because He wants him to love Him."
Nathan: "Why He maked you?"
Me: "Because He wants me to love Him."

(OK, maybe there was stalling going on right about now, but it's good to think through these things, right?)

Nathan: "Oh. Why He maked Bear?" (teddy bear)
Me: "Well, people made Bear."
Nathan: "No, God maked Bear."
Me: "God wanted you to have someone to snuggle with at night.
I love you, Nathan."
Nathan: "I wuv you, Mama."

Authentic Christianity

"Religion is man-centered, focused on accomplishment and resulting in pride.
Authentic Christianity, however, is God-centered, focusing on humility and resulting in grace from God."

~Pastor Larry Szyman, Faith Community Church
October 4, 2008


So true...so why is this such a struggle for us as a people? Why do we so often get it backwards? What are your thoughts?

Do the Next Right Thing

See my previous post. "The next right thing"...as I prayed and asked God what that was, His answer was clear: be in My Word. Feast on that which gives life.

1) Yesterday Wade and I took some time together to pray and read the day's passage from our One Year Bible. This is something we used to do with some regularity when Wade used to get home from work at 4:30. But for months his schedule was such that he didn't get home until 6:00 PM--supper time. That meant "our" time to connect and pray for a few minutes went by the wayside. Now his schedule changed back again & we're going to try to make this time together a priority.

2) We decided to start doing family devotions with the kids during supper. (Last year we had tried doing them at bedtime, but bedtime routine already seemed to take so long that devotions felt like just one more thing to fit in and we ended up rushing through it almost begrudgingly. Plus, we didn't like the kids' devotional we were using.) So today, I went to the store and got a better devotional for the kids and we used it tonight already. We also have a neighbor girl who comes over a lot, and hasn't had much exposure to the Bible. She was excited to stay for supper and be in on family devotions. She wants to come to AWANA clubs with the kids this year, too. (AWANA is a club at our church for kids that helps them learn God's Word in a fun way.)

I know...these steps are nothing novel or earth shattering. In fact, they are the kinds of things that--as a young newlywed--I assumed would be givens in our, and any, godly household. Easier said than done. Anyway, it feels good to be taking steps in the right direction.

What ways has your family found to bring God's Word into your home?

No to the Status Quo

"Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom...And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
~ Colossians 3:16a-17

We attended The Well last night for the first time. It's an alternative service that our church offers, geared toward the 20-something generation. It was right up our alley, though. (Reminded me of our church in Indiana, too, which we still miss dearly.) Needless to say, we loved it.

I was struck by Dave's message...he spoke on the power of God's Word, and the richness it brings when we feed on it as if our lives depend on it--because they do.

Dave shared how he loves to gather all kinds of facts--world news, current events and the like. During a deep conversation at our church's marriage retreat this weekend, his wife Nicky told him that, as impressed as she might be with all he knows, none of that really matters to her. What she really wants more than anything is to have their lives more and more infused with God's truth. To have their children see that God is in all of life. He is life. His Word is life. Specifically, she also wants to hear His Word spoken constantly in their home. Me too.

It has been the cry of my heart for as long as I can remember that my life would reflect Christ in every aspect, and that everything I say and do would honor Him and point others in the direction of knowing Him better. Lofty goal, but I know it's what God wants for us. Oh how I long to be more like my Father, and at times wish I saw more progress than tiny baby steps--steps that sometimes even seem to go backwards!

Periodically, I am struck by the fact that I do not want to settle for the status quo. Nice house, nice kids, good job, etc. Do I long for a real house rather than a town home with no yard? Absolutely. But I want more. I want my life to really count for the Kingdom. I want my conversations to encourage and uplift--and point others to the God who loves them. And I want to leave a legacy for my children, one where they see that God is not something we "do" on Sundays. One where they see their parents--though imperfect & real--as people who wanted to serve God more than anything. People who weren't afraid to stand up for truth no matter what it might cost. People who chose to spend their time seeking righteousness--refusing to take part in so much of the perverted ugliness the world has to offer. Bottom line: I don't want to be just another family that attends church, but nothing is different in the way that they live, think, or speak. I see far too many families like this and I want none of it.

At our church in Indiana, Granger Community Church, a common phrase we heard was "Just do the next right thing." Lord, here I am. Show me what that is. I believe becoming a doula is part of that next right thing. And often the next right thing is simply being faithful to honor my husband and love my children. But show me if there is something more specific--any changes You'd like me to make in my role as wife, mother, or friend. I am Yours. Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

It's Official!

"The most important part of the doula is not her training, but her heart and gentle spirit."
~Experienced Doula Trainer

It's official...I'm a doula! I had my interview yesterday at Woodwinds and later that day was asked to come aboard the doula team there! We are each on call for one day per month, for a 24 hour shift. Every laboring mother who comes to Woodwinds is offered the option of having a doula, free of charge. Then, whoever is on call comes in to support that mother in labor. (Patients can also contract with & arrange their own doulas privately--usually for pay, I believe. But that is separate from this volunteer program.) Many of the volunteer doulas also take on private clients, for pay, but that isn't something I'm looking at yet--at least not until I am fully certified.

I have my orientation next week, and I start Friday October 3rd with patients.

I am way behind in my blogging. I had written a post last week--that I never got around to publishing--about how wonderful my doula workshop was 2 weekends ago. I soaked up every minute, truly feeling like everything we covered was so helpful--and so fascinating, too. We covered everything from comfort measures, laboring positions, listening skills, and how to truly support a mother in pursuing the kind of birth she desires (whether fully medicated, or completely natural, or even cesarean) as well as all the ethical considerations to be mindful of when supporting a mother without being an irritant to the medical staff, etc. We also watched a number of amazing videos covering the history of birth in this country as well as other cultures.

The whole weekend just fueled my passion and excitement for serving God in this way, as a doula. I can't believe how much He has put this on my heart--helping women to have a positive, beautiful birth experience.

Woodwinds is also working on a program to have doulas with grief training be on call for women who come to the ER because they are having a miscarriage. This is something I have a heart for as well.

Oh, this is now a bit anti-climactic, but I might have my first private client/birth lined up, too. Another doula from my workshop who is pregnant & due in October. In fact, she and I are talking about being each other's doulas. It was a God thing that she and I connected, and uncanny how much we have in common.

Grandma Sallie

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You." (Psalm 9:10)

My Grandma Sallie would have been 95 today. She passed away 8 months ago, on December 12th. The above verse is one she had chosen for her funeral. This picture was taken on Thanksgiving, the last time I saw her before she died.

This is the Grandma that prayed for me every day of my life. Her full name was Selma Marie Knutson. Selma means "divinely protected by God." Abby's middle name is Selmalynn, named after Grandma.

Some special memories with Grandma Sallie...When I was really little, we spent Christmases up at her house at the lake in Bemidji, MN. I loved her red shag carpet, her Swedish meatballs, and her fancy blue and white dishes (which are now mine). As I got older, she taught me how to make lefse & took me to the movie Annie when it came out in the theaters. I remember playing Uno together while we snacked on Pringles and Rye Krisp. When Grandma & Grandpa moved to an apartment in Waconia, she planted a garden at my parents' house, down by the lake. When we were kids, we swam nearly every day and when we got hungry we'd snack on yummy strawberries and pea pods fresh from the garden. Grandma also loved teacups, having a beautiful collection--part of which is also now mine. In her later years, I remember times when we'd do devotions together at her nursing home. I'd read the Scriptures she requested, or read aloud from her large print devotional. Then we would pray together. When it was time for me to leave, I'd tell her I loved her and she'd reply "I love you more."

When I went off to college, (before she moved to the nursing home) I remember being keenly aware that Grandma would not live forever. (She was approaching 80 by this point.) I began diligently writing her letters, and she and I kept up a wonderful correspondence throughout my college years.

As she reached 90, Grandma really wanted to make sure her affairs were in order. She asked me to help her plan her funeral. I wrote down all of her wishes, from the hymns and Scriptures she wanted, to flowers and what she wanted to be buried in. She also requested that I sing, eulogize, and play my flute at her funeral. I told her I'd do my best, and somehow I did manage to honor those requests.

You'd think, given her age, I'd have been prepared for Grandma's passing, but it hit me harder than I expected. For months I'd cry every time I thought of her. I miss her dearly. But I know I will see her again in heaven. As I said when I spoke at her funeral, Grandma is in heaven not because she was a good person--though she was, she is in heaven because she trusted Christ alone for the forgiveness of her sins. She knew she wasn't perfect and couldn't earn her way to heaven by doing enough good things. She gave her heart, mind, and soul to God, serving Him in quiet humility all the days of her life.

I leave you with one more Scripture--another she had chosen for her funeral:

"Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us and we are his;
we are his people, she sheep of is pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love
endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations."
(Psalm 100)

Really God?!

"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

So throughout this process of pursuing doula training, I keep giving this dream to God. Keep placing it on the alter, praying for His wisdom, and taking one step at a time.

I keep encountering obstacles that make me think "maybe this isn't the right timing...maybe He wants me to put this dream on hold again, especially with the baby coming..." but each time I pray & offer it back to Him, He seems to remove the obstacle completely. It's been fun to watch Him work, and to see His confirmation time and time again that this is in His wonderful plan for me. Honestly, it brings such joy to pursue gifts you know you can use to serve Him.

Here's some of what God's done:

1) Money. I needed $300 to attend my main doula training workshop this weekend. We've had a lot of extra expenses lately, and I thought there was no way I could come up the money, and that even if I could, it wouldn't be wise to spend it on this workshop right now. I prayed and asked God to provide if He wanted me to attend, knowing this might close the door decidedly for the time being.

His answer: Literally, within an hour of when I prayed, I had the money. I first pooled some cash I'd set aside in envelopes, like birthday money, fun money, some money I'd earned by taking a survey, etc. (This is money that we don't allow to be used for bills and such.) That put me over the $200 mark. I excitedly called Wade, and he then told me to cash in a bucket of coins we'd been saving. I hoped for maybe $20-40...but got $96!!! I not only had enough for the workshop, but also most of what I needed to buy my certification packet as well. Wow God!

2) Who would watch my kids on Saturday (Wade works) during the training, as I need to leave by 6:15 AM!

His answer: I was running out of options when my friend Jodi graciously offered, without being asked, to either take my kids overnight the night before, or to come and stay over at our house herself so she'd be here in the morning when I left. She could then watch them until noon, and then my sister-in-law, Ginger, said she could come & watch them from noon on.

3) What about handling the physical demands of being a doula while I'm pregnant? Was that realistic--or wise? (For example, sometimes doulas need to physically support or massage women for long periods while they're in labor.)

His answer: I talked to my midwife about it, who said it's perfectly fine to attend births as a doula while pregnant myself, and that I should simply know and express my limits. That was also when she said she wants to help me get the experience I'll need right at Stillwater hospital, even while I'm yet pregnant.

4) This was perhaps the biggest one--how in the world would it work to be on call as a doula when I've got small children to take care of myself? Births can take a long time, and who could I ask--without being an imposition--to watch my kids in that scenario?

His answer: I happened to talk with the coordinator of the volunteer doula program at Woodwinds, who said each doula volunteers for one 24 hour shift a month where she is on call--AND SHE GETS TO PICK THE DAY! I could pick days where Wade is home! AND, she said after I've attended my workshop this weekend, she wants to set up an interview and put me on the schedule right away! No way!