Before & After

Living Room before we moved in (not our furnishings)

Den adjacent to Living Room (actually former dining room) before we moved in.

Living Room after... we pulled up the white carpet & painted the beige walls a warm pumpkin color

...and a nice olive green

Who says orange & green can't go together?
FYI, the former den is currently used as a toy area for Courtney... someday maybe it will be a dining room again. :)

Problems?

So three year old Courtney pulls up a chair next to me as we're having a snack, gets a contemplative look on her face and says "Let's talk." She then takes a turn, randomly sharing something about how she saw a cow be born. (I don't think she actually has; she's seen pictures.)

Then she leans back, crosses her legs, looks at me and prods "Let's talk about your problems."  Trying not to laugh at her seriousness, I share how I miss Grandma. She does, too, she says. Again she prompts me to talk about problems. "I'd rather talk about how good God is" I admit. This jogs her memory from VBS and she loudly launches into a part of one of the songs where you shout and repeat after the leader:



God is Great! God is Good!
He is my King! So Praise Him!

We talked about what it means for God to be your King, and I shared with her how God wants her to love Him even more than she loves Mom & Dad. (This is something my mom shared with me at a very young age, too.)

And then the moment was gone. She's off to go put a leotard on and do 'nastics in the kitchen. She says she's preparing for her birthday party which isn't until February. Can I just say I love being home with her?

My Mom

Me and my mom

Mom & her grandkids at home in Waconia, MN

Mom, Dad, Kara, Bria. August 15, 2012. (Date was messed up on camera)

I lost my precious mama just two weeks ago. She fought a tough battle with cancer which ultimately claimed her life.  Damn cancer.

It hurts. Oh it hurts. I think about her constantly. She's on my mind nearly all day long. Sometimes I forget for a few minutes and then relive the horrible realization all over again that she's gone. She's really gone.

Oh, I know death is not the end. I know God's claimed the victory for His followers. I know that to live is Christ and to die is gain. I know she's happy and not suffering. I know Heaven is going to be amazing and that I'll see her again someday. (P.S. I'm reading Randy Alcorn's book Heaven. Love it. He paints a picture based on all that Scripture says, that makes you eager to get there!) But for now I miss her here. And I should, because we weren't created for death.

I get a sinking pit in my stomach, and my heart physically aches each time I remember something special we did and realize we won't get to do it again this side of heaven. We have so many special memories. Much to be thankful for. She was such a kind and patient mom, and such a wonderful grandma to my kids. Always so excited to see them, always eager to listen to them, loved going to their concerts & performances, no matter how small. And every time I called she asked "What funny things have the kids said lately?" And then she'd remind me to write them down.

Here's the link to her obituary. You can read about the amazing woman that she was to the world around her.

It's healing for me to journal like this. I may write more posts about her...things I miss, things I remember...Just ramble on a bit. It keeps her alive in my heart.

As another friend who lost a parent said to me recently, "Let me cry. I feel [her] when I do."