9:45 pm.  Finally...dishes done & kitchen clean, laundry stain-treated, homework checked, lunches made, stack of school papers sorted for recycling, unnecessary time-wasting school form filled out, living room straightened, baby bathed & nursed, kids read to & prayed with & sung to and put to bed--and re-put to bed (can I just say I had them all in bed by 8:15 but still at 9:30 no one was asleep.  Nathan & Courtney decided to play teddy bear volleyball between their beds, Abby was up with a headache, Nathan snuck out of bed and hid on the stairs for a while, and Emily whined downstairs from her bed wanting to know why in the world I wouldn't come down there again.)  I'm exhausted.  I am finally learning, however, (after nearly 10 years of parenting) not to beat myself up with thoughts of "what in the world did I do all day?"  No, I KNOW what I do all day.  Though many days I don't have much to show for it, this is by far the toughest job I've ever had.  And, added to that, I do it by myself most evenings when Wade is at work. 

Confession:  I wrote this post for myself.  Sometimes it makes me feel better to see in black and white what I did in a mere two hour time span.  Thanks for obliging.

Before the Morning By Josh Wilson

Went for a walk yesterday morning and heard this song on the radio.  I'd never listened to the words before, until yesterday.  It spoke to me.  I'm not sure if there's a "real" official music video to it that I couldn't locate, but I'll post what I found.  Also, here's a link to the story behind the song.  I'm including the lyrics as well. 

Before the Morning

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you’re going

You just don’t know how you’ll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

Tonight after supper...

Me:  "Hey, how did Courtney get an ice cream bar?"
Kids:  "Daddy gave it to her.  He does that all the time when you're not here."

A Tribute to My Mom on Mother's Day

The following is what I posted on my mom's CaringBridge site yesterday.

A Tribute to My Mom...

I just got to spend a lovely afternoon with my mom for Mother's Day.  I felt thankful that I could be with her today.  Thankful that she felt up to coming to Hudson to visit, thankful our family could be together, thankful to enjoy good food, sunshine, and the nicer weather after a few days of cold and rain.

I also wanted to write a little (actually, it's going to be long) tribute to my mom--some of the memories I have as well as some things I am grateful for about her...

Mom, I remember and am thankful for:

• The way you have always loved us unconditionally.  Even when we made choices you didn't agree with, you still supported us and always let us know you were proud of us.
• The many sacrifices you've made over the years for our ultimate good.  Now being a mother myself, I know that many of those sacrifices probably seemed to go unnoticed at the time...but I want you to know they mattered.
• In all my years of various school concerts and performances and such, you always rearranged your schedule to be at every one.  Every one.  I think I took that for granted back then, but I want you to know that it really means something to me that you did that.  You really invested hugely in your children.
• The good listener that you are.  Being an empathetic and encouraging listener is something I value highly, and I have seen it modeled in you.  
• Childhood memories of you reading Dr. Seuss books to me, and playing games together such as Memory, Candyland, Go Fish, Yahtzee, and Boggle.  (You always let me use two letter words and get a head start handicap for scoring when I was younger.  *smile* )  Those same Dr. Seuss books now grace my children's book shelf, and they enjoy having me read to them often.  Honestly, every time time I read one, I think of you and it takes me right back to being a kid.  I also play the same games with my children.  They've heard me fondly say many times  "I used to play this with my mom when I was little." 
• Warm chocolate pudding with whipped cream on top.
• Special new dresses every Christmas and Easter.
• The birthday poems you'd write for us recapping each year--complete with picture sketches, too!
• You tucking me into bed every night.  I remember one night when I was three years old you taught me the Lord's Prayer at bedtime.  I also remember you explaining how God wants us to love Him more than anything else in this world.  As a child I thought that sounded crazy at the time...but you were right.  Thank you for teaching me that truth...for planting the seeds of faith in my young heart and mind.
• Trips to Target on the weekends with the Clark gals.  Living in Waconia, the nearest Target back then was all the way in Eden Prairie!  (And remember, there were virtually no stop lights the whole way there!)  Still to this day, whenever I'm in Target with my kids, I remember how we used to shop until we dropped--and then we'd ask to get a $.39 popcorn in the snack bar.
• How you & Dad took us swimming every day when we were little--sometimes multiple times!  I loved the evening swims at dusk right before bed.  The water would feel warmer than the air and Bria and I would beg to stay in just a few minutes longer.  When swimming made us hungry, I remember having 'Chicken in a Biscuit' crackers, and when we had a garden we'd often get to go straight to it to pick strawberries and pea pods for a snack.  :)

• Family camping trips.  Though we didn't take big trips to exotic places, we had plenty of fun camping at various Midwest parks, and even took some special trips to visit relatives in Washington, South Dakota, North Dakota, and Idaho.  Thanks for taking us, and for all the fun memories.
• When I was 13, you announced to me one day that I would be allowed to wear makeup!  You and Marty Cramer had a Mary Kay consultant come and do facials and teach Christine and I how to properly adorn ourselves.  :)  What fun!
• The patience you've always shown as a mother.  In my own life, I sometimes find I compare myself to you and confess to Wade that "I don't know how she did it...she very rarely seemed to lose her cool."  And I can remember calling you once crying, wanting counsel on how to parent a very young Abby (who is now 9).  You shared with me mistakes you felt you'd made and what you'd learned along the way.  I so appreciated your transparency Mom.
• The wonderful Grandma you are to my kids.  Honestly, I cannot imagine a more attentive grandparent than you.  You listen to each of them with genuine interest in anything that matters to them.  You plan for months ahead of time in order to make their birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays special.  And now, just like you did for Bria and me when we were kids, you come to every show, concert, play or performance that you possibly can and truly seem to enjoy every minute.  We love having you fairly nearby and so appreciate having you so involved in our lives.
• That your heart trusts God.  You walk with Him, knowing that He is taking care of you, and that He is truth.  You have a peace about you because of your faith in Him that enables you to walk in thankfulness each day without living in fear of all the future unknowns.  Thank you for your example.

I love you, Mom.  You mean the world to me.  Thank you for all you have given, done, and been for us over all these years. 

Happy Mother's Day
Love,
Kara Jo