"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18
Preface: I'm wrestling out loud a bit with my view of God. Bear with me while I process. When one shares thoughts like this on a heart level, we always run the risk of being misunderstood or judged. But at the same time, I want to be real. And maybe I'm not the only one who has struggled with having a right view of God...
This past weekend I went to a womens' conference at my church. The speaker was a wonderful, joy-filled, 28 year old gal named Tasha Schuh. As a high school student in Ellsworth, WI, she'd been paralyzed when she fell through a trap door during rehearsal for a musical she was in. Her testimony was wonderful, powerful, and God-honoring. I could hear the sniffles around me as everyone was being uplifted, encouraged and challenged. During breaks I nodded in agreement as all the other women I spoke with were sharing how impacted they were by her story. And yet all I could think was "
this is terrifying me." Tasha's story
is exactly the kind of thing one needs to hear when going through a really difficult time--it was all about God using bad things for good in our lives, and for His glory. But at this time in my life, it simply made me afraid...and yet I know God doesn't want us to live in fear...
If I may share a bit...I became a believer at age 14, so I've been walking with God for a good 20 years now. And I can honestly say that there have been very few times in those 2 decades where I haven't been dealing with some sort of struggle, obstacle or trial. Maybe that's true for most of us? (To be precise, there have been only two times that I can recall...once was a beautiful time of bliss during the year my firstborn Abby was a baby...and the other has been this current school year. Both have been times where I've really thoroughly enjoyed my life and it's felt balanced, with little or no complaints.) Now, I'm not saying I haven't had joy--or peace--God's been faithful to help me choose and experience both in the midst of trials. I'm just saying I wouldn't describe my life as easy overall.
I can remember once in high school, my dear friend & fellow Christian, Abby, (part of the inspiration to name my daughter Abby) had commented to me that everything was going well in her life at the time--no complaints--life was just running smoothly for her and she was content. I remember being struck by the thought that I had never experienced that--never a time where I could say everything was going well. As a Christian, I knew it was expected to face trials ("In this life, you will have trouble..." John 16:33) but it never dawned on me that God might bring calm peaceful seasons of enjoyment as well.
All this to say, I realized at the Tasha Schuh conference that I am much more accustomed to being in a season of trials than I am of the opposite. Over the years I have become very familiar with perseverance, needing to trust, learning to praise Him in spite of--and even for--the difficult things I've experienced. Some of these difficulties have meant hanging in there over the long haul--years even, when I could see no way out and not much hope of things improving. Through all of this, I am fully convinced of Romans 8:28, that God works all things for good for those who love Him. (In essence, Tasha's message.) I also realized that it's almost become comfortable for me to live in the midst of trials and yet still trust and praise and seek Him--knowing He is faithful.
But what is not so comfortable for me are these rare seasons of truly enjoying balance and good things in my life. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for God to somehow yank it all away. So when Tasha was speaking, I wondered what horrible thing God might be trying to prepare me for next. And yet I know this kind of thinking is not what He'd want for me. Fear is something the enemy would love to use to take me down and distract me from what is actually true about God. So I'm realizing that I have a lot to learn in order to see God as He really is--a loving Heavenly Father Who loves to give His children good gifts. "Who of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" (Matthew 7:9) Honestly, I even wrestle with that verse--because I know many people who have asked God for something good--healing for example--and do not receive it. In fact, this
same friend Abby that I've mentioned has gone through some excruciating times in her life--especially this past year. A very Jobesque time of losing a child as well as extreme health issues that never seem to get better. I know, I know--healing is not the ultimate good--God's presence is. Heaven is. Life on earth is not the ultimate fulfillment. I'm just saying...
So I've been praying--even over these months where I've really enjoyed my life--for God to help me not to be afraid. To enjoy the many blessings He's given without living in tentative fear of the next bad thing. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" John Piper
Courtney Jo...all pretty in pink!
Our wonderful midwife, Fern Aspen...she prayed over us during labor and read Scriptures to me as I coped with contractions. What a blessing.
Once labor got going, it felt a bit fast and furious--and doing it "au natural" was harder than I expected. We had an amazing water birth, though. And once it came to pushing, it just took a few and she was out!
Daddy gives Courtney Jo a bath
Adoring big sisters...little brother is not quite sure what to think yet.
