Remembering Kaylee Hope

Today we celebrated the life of Kaylee Hope White at her memorial service.  (See my previous post.)  She passed away at just 22 weeks gestation, yet her life was meaningful, treasured, and a cause for celebration and thanksgiving.  This is the video that her daddy, Joey, made and was played at her service.  Bittersweet and beautiful.  You will not be forgotten, Miss Beautiful.   The other babies in the video are her older twin siblings, Carson & Keira, who are 1 year old.

Real Life

My favorite blog posts to read on others' blogs are usually ones where they share from their heart.  I love humor, too, but I gravitate toward simple honesty, transparency, & vulnerability.  That said, I myself have not blogged much over the past few months.  Partly because something went awry with our USB cable and I couldn't upload any pics for the longest time, partly because Facebook has taken over the nation (I've joined in, too), and partly because I haven't had much of substance to say--or much I felt I could or should share. 

I sometimes feel like I just want to blog...but I don't have anything interesting to write about.  Tonight I decided I would try to just write from my heart and sort of journal about where my life is right now.  I don't exactly where this will go...

Last school year (the first half anyway) was one of the most balanced and enjoyable years I've ever had.  I was pregnant with Courtney, and really felt in a good rhythm with the other 3 kids.  I actually went so far as to say I was feeling like it was easy to parent  three!  (I might have had amnesia, though.)  It was a good mix to have 2 in school and be at home with Nathan.   My then neighbor, Kate, and I would have impromptu playdates in the cul-de-sac as her little boy is the same age as Nathan.  I also had my long time kindred-spirit-stay-at-home-mom friend "J" (& her two youngest) around to do life with, too.  We'd do our grocery shopping together on Tuesdays (my most dreaded weekly task) and then have lunch together at one of our houses.  On Thursdays we'd take turns volunteering in our older kids' classrooms at school while the other of us watched the younger ones.  I liked being able to be involved in Abby & Emily's classrooms.  I also liked being able to serve outside my home, at church for LATTE worship and at Woodwinds Hospital as a volunteer doula.  Wade was also working days (had been ever since we moved back from Indiana 3 years ago) so we had evenings together after the kids went to bed--most of the time anyway.  Life felt very balanced...

Oddly, though, despite how great & balanced my life seemed, the last post I did before Courtney was born was about fear.  I was quite candid about my walk with God, and about how I was wrestling with my view of Him.  Was struggling to see Him as the Father Who loved to give good gifts and instead was used to viewing Him as Someone who's always (lovingly) dragging me through yuck to grow me and shape my character--all for His glory of  course.  ;)  (No, seriously, I do believe that it's all to be for His glory...sometimes it can just sound cliche.)  I shared in that February 2009 post that I was afraid of the other shoe dropping, wondering as I was sitting at the Tasha Schuh conference what terrible thing God might be preparing me for next...and yet knowing God doesn't want me to live in fear.

Little did I know at the time, but my fears were correct.  There was trouble brewing.  My Mom was battling a return of her cancer (Lymphoma) that was going to be repeatedly misdiagnosed until it progressed to stage 4 and was finally discovered this past August.  She has yet to be able to hold now 14 month old baby Courtney without pain in her back from the tumors. 
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My favorite neighbor Kate & her family announced shortly after Courtney was born that they were going to  be moving.  :(  I cried.

Also, when Courtney was about 2 weeks old I found out that some of our best friends would be leaving our church due to a staffing decision (they had been on staff) that I still don't agree with.  For a long time I thought I shouldn't/couldn't talk about that on my blog.  Didn't want to stir up strife or cause division.  But some time has passed, and I want to be honest in saying that it affected me.  Deeply.   It was just poopy all around.  I hurt to see my friends feeling rejected & hurting, and I hurt for me.  It's been quite a loss not to be able to share church life with these friends any more.  Community doesn't feel quite as sweet with their family gone.  Does God work all things for good for those who love Him?  Absolutely.  I know He has and is in this situation as well.  I'm just saying it hurts and that my heart grieves.

Along with our dear friends leaving the church also meant job changes for their family and the need for my dear friend "J" to go from being a stay-at-home-mom to now working full time to support her family.  I lost my weekly pal, the proximity of the friend I most often did life with regularly.  I still get to see her sometimes on Tuesdays (her day off) along with another friend who also has that day off, but it's not the same as having another mom who's home every day--in the trenches beside you, understanding and right there with you.  I do my grocery shopping alone now, and am not able to volunteer in the girls' classrooms regularly this year.

Most recently, Wade started a new job with Delta.  See my post from Feb 28.  He's now working nights and probably will be for the next however many years, unless God does something unexpected (I'm praying).  That means I put the kids to bed by myself most nights, and that Wade and I get very few evenings together.  He's also having to work overtime at his parents' farm--average of one day a week--to make up the difference in pay after the cut he took with this job transition.

I also completed my full certification as a Birth Doula, and have been taking private paid clients in addition to volunteering at Woodwinds once a month.  I really love it, but we're still figuring out how to balance and juggle everything.  Things tend to fall apart a bit whenever Mom is gone!  :)

I have made it sound like everything is bad, sad, or difficult in my life right now.  It isn't.  I have much to be thankful for, and I am still finding joy in life, in Christ.  I love being a SAHM.  I love being a doula.  I love Hudson and my dear FCC community.  I'm thankful for many friends whom I get to see periodically and share life with sometimes.  And I treasure time with my mom, who seems to be on the road to recovery from her battle with cancer.

But, if you've wondered why I haven't blogged much in the last however many months, maybe now you've got a better understanding as to what's been going on in my life.  :)  Oh, and we got a new camera and I'm able to upload pictures again!

Above photo was from a wedding we attended last weekend. One of Wade's long time friends (who was also one of the groomsmen in our wedding nearly 14 years ago) finally tied the knot.  Congratulations Gary and Kim!

Joy and Pain

It's strange how you can have joy, and yet your heart can be heavy at the same time...but that's how I feel. My heart hurts for my sweet mom who has been dealing with daily pain, and often nausea from the cancer her body is fighting. I just want her to feel better and be able to enjoy life with us again. And yet, as we wait and pray and long for healing, I am also overcome with a joy and peace that only come from God. I am so convinced that He is good, despite how circumstances look. And I know in the depths of my being that He can be trusted with whatever He is up to.

Yesterday my sister, Bria, and I set up a CaringBridge website for my mom. If you are praying for her, I know she'd be encouraged if you stopped by the site to tell her so.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/judiknutson