"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as see the Day approaching."
~ Hebrews 10:24,25
A couple of years ago I had the privilege of being part of a group of women who were taught/mentored under well known speaker and teacher Lori Salierno. Among many good points to ponder, one of the foundational things she taught us was this:
"Be careful who you choose as friends...for within 5 years you will become like them."
Now, Lori was not undermining nor contradicting Jesus' teaching that we should 'be in the world', reaching out to those who do not yet know Him. For sure, we are absolutely commanded to get our hands dirty and our lives involved with those who desperately need a relationship with God.
What she was emphasizing, however, is how crucial it is to choose wisely whom we let into our inner circle. To be careful who we spend the most time with, who we share our hearts with and, by default, begin to emulate.
I have taken this advice to heart, and today I was thinking about the qualities I most appreciate in my closest friends. These are the characteristics that stand out in the godly women with whom I want to intentionally pursue and maintain close friendships with:
1) They do not gossip. I do not hear negative, back-stabbing words uttered about mutual friends or people we both might know from church. I can also trust that these women will not slander me in the presence of another, but rather, will come to me directly if there is concern, conflict or disagreement over an issue.
2) They honor their husbands, both in their presence or when it's just us girls talking. They speak to and about their husbands with respect. And, if they disagree with their spouse or their feelings are hurt, they are selective with whom they share that information--and they do so in a way that is honest & transparent without belittling their spouse.
3) Their hope is in God. When disaster strikes or times get tough, these women communicate their feelings about it honestly, but still come back to camp on the truth that God is sovereign, and will work all things for their good.
4) They are compassionate, empathetic listeners. These friends can be counted on to really listen and care when another friend is hurting--without giving pat answers or quoting flippant platitudes.
5) They have integrity and consistency of character. They are the same in the presence of others as well as when they think no one is looking.
6) They are grace-filled, merciful people. They look for the best in others and are more willing to give the benefit of the doubt than they are to criticize. They are also much more likely to forgive than they are to nurse a grudge.
7) They are positive. Not given to constant sarcasm and complaining, but instead are more likely to choose thankfulness.
8) They are humble and realize that they are imperfect, but constantly look to God to make them more and more like Christ. At times they lose it, just like the rest of us, but they are honest about their faults and mistakes.
9) They are committed to God's Word as their authority. Though life may get them down at times, they still trust that His Word stands true and is absolutely trustworthy.
As I read over the above list, I could be tempted to get discouraged, like some of us do when we read about the 'Proverbs 31 Woman.' Instead, however, I am thankful that my path has crossed women such as these. Some I see regularly, and some only on occasion. But is people like these ladies whom I want to seek to pursue relationships with, because when I am with them, I find that I just naturally want to be more like them and the gracious God they serve. I find I am more quick to notice and correct thoughts and actions contrary to what Jesus would have me do. That's good stuff. It's being 'spurred on toward love and good deeds.'
We like to think that as adults we are not easily swayed, but the truth is that we have the same tendencies whether we are 5, 15, 25 or 55. We are influenced by those around us.
What about you? Do you have people in your life that make you more hungry for God? People who walk in love and truth, and remind you of Christ when you are in their presence? What characteristics do you appreciate most about them? What steps can you take to pursue closer relationships with them?
10 comments:
When I read this I thought of you, sweet friend.
Thanks, Father, for the security and warmth of friends who are gifts from You!
Me too! I'm so thankful to have lifelong friends who love the Lord! You have been there for me from the beginning for me as my own faith grew. You were and are an inspiration to me!
Ahhh ... my sweet friend! I am so blessed to call you one of my life long friends. How wonderful that God so carefully meets our every need ... including the need for friendship. Friendship in times of joy and in times of trials. I'm blessed to have shared both with you by my side.
I think I failed on Number #7.
Hhmmm.
It is hard to make friends like this because every time we try they say to us..."I am sorry but we already have a CLOSE circle of friends". I think it should be called a CLOSED circle of friends.
LadyD, I am sorry for your discouraging experience in trying to make good friendships. I, too, have actually had similar experiences...for example, times both here and in Indiana where we wanted to join a certain Cell Group/small group per se, and that group was closed. Or times when I (or we as a couple) tried to pursue friendships with folks who didn't reciprocate, or we tried and found we just never clicked. I've gotten my feelings hurt numerous times. Those experiences can be disheartening (especially when one doesn't have any other good friends at the time either--like when Wade and I were first married, and also our first year in Indiana.) But I have found that God is faithful to provide what I need in His time. And that if I persevere in the asking, searching, praying and waiting, and in the meantime focus on becoming the kind of friend I want to attract, it has become easier to make some of those kindred spirit friendships over time.
I do want to clarify that the friends I was referring to in my post are not all friends with each other. (In other words, I'm not speaking of a closed circle of friends or a clique.) Some have never met each other. Some live far away and our relationship is long-distance over the phone.
I guess the heart of what I was trying to get at in my post is all about what the book of Proverbs is saturated with--warnings and wisdom about the company that we keep. I know I am not above being influenced by those I choose to hang out with. And I simply want to guard against investing heavily in relationships with Christians who actually tempt me to settle for mediocre or hypocritical Christianity--gossip, negativity, belittling my husband, etc. Though I hate being lonely, I know that at times that's been better for me than the alternative would have been.
You have mentioned your friend Shannon before. Sounds like she is a true blessing from God, even if your friendship has to be long distance now. I will pray that God brings you a Shannon here, too. :)
LadyD, P.S. I fail at #7, too. In fact, I fail at all of them sometimes. Really.
Oh! I think you missed my point there, sorry- I wasn't refering to just us....We have lots of friends. What I am meaning is that just because people don't meet all of our qualifications does not mean that we should not be friends with them. Sometimes people are new to our church, or new to Christianity, and if we disclude them from our circles of friends because they are not "up to Par" than how can they learn from us? How can they learn what it is like to be a Godly woman, or friend,if we don't include them because they swear or gossip. Sometimes people learn these things from being around others who are a good influence on them. Especially if they are new to the church scene. I want to be a person who includes everybody, and doesn't judge. We have to be very careful of judging others when that is God's job. We are to love everyone, and try to set a good example. Although we also fail many times. I guess my point is that I don't screen my friends for how I want them to be, I sometimes even like growing together with friends, whether new or old.
I think we are saying the same thing, you enjoy those qualities in your good friends, and it is awesome that you have had the opportunity in your life to have friends with the same life goals as you :)
Let's just keep our eyes, hearts, and minds open to others who might need the mentoring of a strong Christian friend~
LadyD, you're right--I must have totally misunderstood you! Thanks for clarifying a bit. :)
Now I need to clarify myself again, too. I was afraid I might somehow be interpreted as saying we should exclude people, be judgmental, etc. I'm actually not saying any of those things. In speaking of choosing friends wisely, I'm referring specifically to those whom we spend the MOST time with, seek advice from, and/or allow to influence US.
By all means we should be reaching out to all the groups/categories you mentioned--people new to church, those newer to their Christian walk, etc. And I am a HUGE advocate for mentoring, having been on both sides of it I truly believe in the Titus 2 model in that the 'older' women need to teach the younger. I love mentoring and being mentored.
I'm also not advocating being judgmental at all. You're right, that's God's job. But the Bible is clear that we are to be discerning in who we keep company with (ie. avoiding the hot tempered person, etc.)
We definitely need a balance. 1) We are to be in the world, reaching out to non-Christians. 2) We are also to be encouraging and teaching those who might be newer/younger in the faith. 3) AND we are also to be careful who our closest circle of friends is--those who influence US the most. There is an important difference between the mindset we have when we are reaching out to someone else vs. the mindset we have with those we can truly let our guard down with and seek godly wisdom from. I have seen some Christians be good at reaching out and accepting everyone, but then become complacent and not really grow or bear much fruit themselves, even over years, partially because they aren't concerned with seeking their own godly/mature influences. It's as if the attitude is "if they (those they're friends with) just call themselves a Christian, that's good enough for me."
So I still think there is great wisdom in what Lori Salierno taught. She was speaking to a group of women in leadership development, on qualities that will truly equip us to have an impact for the Kingdom, vs. those that are likely to keep us content with the status quo. She wasn't talking about being "cookie cutter" Christians, or about pridefully thinking you are better than someone else. She was actually advocating BOTH reaching out to those who need it, while still guarding your heart and mind in making wise choices as to whom you let influence you. I see that as solid, balanced Biblical wisdom. :)
I'm so thankful to have a friend like you described...and it's YOU! Love ya. Danielle
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